you’re not doing anyone a favor

i used to date this girl who was a bit obsessive. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to speak ill of her, nor do i want to sound offensive towards her. the relationship didn't work out, it happens.

i just think it might have gone a bit better if she hadn't done so many things "for my own good."

wear this, it looks better on you…:)

don't tell me it'd be good for me to eat…:)... because i'll get mad and you're mean…:)

let me barge into your house…:) oh, this sits a bit too much to the right…:)

nooo, nooo, you're perfect, just… well… i'm telling you for your own good, you know…:)

hasn't your hair gotten a bit too long…? :)

...

how can you say it bothers you that i told you??? we all know i'm the most altruistic person ever, how can you say all this is for me?! i just got you a gift!! and spent time with you!!!

no, i'm not paraphrasing. no, i'm not joking.

It pisses me off.

anyway...

in theory, doing good means doing something in someone else's interest, as altruistically as possible, without expecting anything in return, right?

apparently, not quite.

i have a friend who offered to help me move. initially, i told him i didn't need help, but he insisted. i said okay, fine, if you're so keen on carrying boxes, sure. thank you.

very nice of him.

and it would have been even nicer if he hadn't then pestered me to help him with the most ridiculous things, even when it was inconvenient. no, man, i don't feel like washing your car. no, i don't feel like writing some stuff for you for free. doesn't sound so altruistic now, does it?

and speaking of that, has anyone else noticed how many of us have gotten unsolicited advice from friends or family under the pretext that "they want the best for us"? maybe your parents tell you to choose a certain career because "it's good for you dear, you'll make money, you can handle it."

why don't you become a doctor or something?

come on, what are the neighbors gonna say…?

it doesn't seem to be just about you anymore…

and it's even worse when the "good" imposed by others becomes a form of control.

maybe you've had a friend who told you how to dress or what hobbies to have, under the pretext that it helps you become a better person. in reality, these gestures are just attempts to mold you to their standards.

why don't you date that chick, she's good for you…

you sure, man? read above.

okay, these are vague examples. you know what i mean.

even small gestures, like someone giving you advice about diet or exercise, can be more about them than about you. maybe they're just a way for people to validate their own choices and lifestyles?

they tell you how to live your life so they can feel better in their own skin?

and we, like idiots, sometimes do what they say, just to keep them quiet…?

but where does all this come from?

a 2014 study published in the journal of personality and social psychology showed that people tend to perceive received help as an obligation to return the favor, which can lead to resentment.

in other words: we feel bad. and then, we feel bad that we felt bad because that person made us feel bad so they wouldn't feel bad.

don't get me started on relationships…

have you never heard “don’t hang out with that person, they're a bad influence” or “why do you go out with the guys so much? you never spend time with me…”

let's be serious, most of the time, that person just wants to isolate you and have control over your social life.

okay, so what do we do?

the first step is to recognize when a "kind" gesture has an egoistic undertone. if you feel obligated or manipulated, it's clear it's not just about your well-being.

learn to say "no" and set some reasonable personal boundaries. if someone insists on helping you, you can thank them politely and refuse graciously (unlike what i did…).

it's important to maintain control over your decisions and not feel obligated to accept any help offered.

it's always better to calmly and directly explain how you feel. open communication can resolve many conflicts and clarify the intentions behind their gestures. if someone genuinely cares about your well-being, they will understand and respect you.

i think it's a sign of maturity to be able to say "no" without feeling guilty… which i honestly haven't mastered at all.

yes, it's hard. i understand perfectly that many times, whether it's parents, partners, or friends, you don't feel like saying "no." no, because they've helped me before, no, because they've been there for me…

well, no one forced them to do so.

respect is respect, but let's not get to the point where we harm ourselves unnecessarily.

a healthy relationship, whether it's with friends, family, or partners, should be based on mutual respect and understanding, not manipulation under the pretext of "doing good."

likewise, obviously extend the same courtesy to others. otherwise, we're all just little hypocrites. :)

that’s all.